Lady Gaga has told how she felt like she was ‘living a lie’ by not sharing her rape ordeal and felt ‘more comfortable’ after speaking publicy about the assault.
The House Of Gucci star, 35, revealed last year that she fell pregnant after being raped by a music producer when she was 19 years old.
Gaga told how she had ‘total psychotic break’ following the assault, and purged herself by being physically sick for a period as a way of coping with the pain.
Candid: Lady Gaga has told how she felt like she was ‘living a lie’ by not sharing her rape ordeal and felt ‘more comfortable’ after speaking publicy about the assault
Gaga, whose real name is Stefani Germanotta, told Deadline: ‘I think that for me it was just a healing process because I’m in the public eye often.
‘I really felt like I was living this big lie by not sharing what I was experiencing. And it actually helped me to share my life experiences because then my fans – or people that were following me…
‘People that were discovering me – they knew more of the human side of me. I just felt more comfortable in the world. It’s like living in your truth.’
Pictured: Gaga in 2005 when she would have been 19
She added that she recently spoke about Jake Gyllenhaal’s new film The Guilty with the actor and the quote at the beginning which reads ‘the truth that will set you free’, adding that she ‘truly believes’ that this is the case.
Gaga also called for a shift in the way sex crimes are discussed, and questioned why we call it ‘sexual’ assault rather than just assault, because it implies ‘something sexy about it’.
During the May 2021 premiere episode of Prince Harry and Oprah Winfrey’s docuseries The Me You Can’t See, the songstress tearfully said that it took years to recover from the attack.
Struggles: Gaga admitted she was still struggling with it when she accepted her Oscar for A Star Is Born in 2019
Gaga admitted she was still struggling with it when she accepted her Oscar for A Star Is Born in 2019, telling the hosts: ‘It all started to slowly change, it took two and a half years to pull myself out of it’. In that time I won an Oscar – and nobody knew!
Gaga recalled: ‘I was 19 years old, and I was working in the business, and a producer said to me, “Take your clothes off”.’
‘And I said “no”. And I left, and they told me they were going to burn all of my music. And they didn’t stop. They didn’t stop asking me, and I just froze and … I don’t even remember.’
Gaga recalled: ‘I was 19 years old, and I was working in the business, and a producer said to me, “Take your clothes off”
Gaga, who has never mentioned the producer’s name for fear of seeing him again, said she blacked out amid the assault, and purged herself by being physically sick for an extended period as a way of coping with the pain.
‘I was sick for weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks after, and I realized that it was the same pain that I felt when the person who raped me dropped me off pregnant on a corner,’ she said.
She said she was ‘at [her] parents’ house amid the illness because she was ‘being abused’ and ‘locked away in a studio for months.’
Gaga said the incident left her scarred physically and emotionally, which lingers to this day.
Harrowing: The House Of Gucci star revealed last year that she fell pregnant after being raped by a music producer when she was 19 years old
The singer said a doctor advised her to see a psychiatrist for her chronic pain, leading to her diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
She continued: ‘Years later I went to a hospital and they brought a psychiatrist in and I said “bring me a real doctor, why is there a psych here I can’t feel my body?”
‘First I felt full-on pain then I went numb and then I was sick for weeks and weeks after and I realised that it was the same pain that I felt when the person who raped me dropped me off pregnant on the corner, my parents house, because I was vomiting.
‘I’d been abused, locked away in a studio for months.
‘I wanna be able to tell everyone watching that I dry my tears now and move on, and you can come back from things like that.
‘But when it hits you rally hard it can change you. I couldn’t feel anything, I disassociated, my brain went offline but you are in an ultra state of paranoia.’
Details: The singer spoke about the traumatic event during an appearance on The Me You Can’t See, Prince Harry and Oprah’s new show exploring mental health
Distressing: In the chat, the superstar singer said she felt physical numbness in the wake of the attack to cope with the trauma
She continued: ‘I had a total psychotic break, and for a couple years, I was not the same girl. The way that I feel when I feel pain was how I felt after I was raped. I’ve had so many MRIs and scans where they don’t find nothing. But your body remembers.’
Reflecting on her ongoing struggle, Gaga said: ‘It’s a real thing to feel like there is a black cloud that is following you wherever you go, telling you that you are worthless and should die.
‘I used to scream and throw myself against a wall, and you know why its not good to cut, throw yourself against a wall and self-harm because it makes you feel worse.’
She also said that amid her emotional journey, she’d recently had to deal with impulses towards self-harm, explaining the rationale behind it.
Inner turmoil: Gaga said she was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as she struggled to cope with the trauma in the years after the attack (pictured in 2009)
She said: ‘Even if I have six brilliant months, all it takes is getting triggered once to feel bad. And when I say I feel bad, I mean I want to cut.
‘Think about dying. Wondering if I’m ever going to do it. I learned all the ways to pull myself out of it.’
‘You know why it’s not good to cut?’ she said. ‘You know why it’s not good to throw yourself against the wall? You know why it’s not good to self-harm? Because it makes you feel worse.
‘You think you’re going to feel better because you’re showing somebody, “Look, I’m in pain.” It doesn’t help.’
Ongoing battle: Gaga opened up on how the incident left her scarred physically and emotionally, which lingers to this day
Offering advice to anyone in a similar situation who may be struggling, she said: ‘It’s so important to surround yourself with at least one person who validates you. There is a way to regulate yourself.’
Revealing how she helps herself, Gaga explained: ‘If I focus and I go “ok I’m going to wake up and do therapy or grounding or gratitude and I’m going to move my body and eat and do things I know are healthy for my body. If I do enough of these steps in a row, I keep going.
‘I go “Stefani be brave, you gotta be braver”. And then before I know it I’m standing in my backyard and I go “Ok I’m back”‘.
Despite feeling in a better place now, she admitted that she still struggles with her mental health, warning that an easy fix doesn’t exist.
Devastating: ‘The way that I feel when I feel pain was how I felt after I was raped. I’ve had so many MRIs and scans where they don’t find nothing. But your body remembers’
She explained: ‘The line that I walk it’s actually feeling like I want to cut myself and feeling like I don’t, are actually real close together.
‘Everybody thinks it’s going to be like a straight line, that it’s like every other virus, that you get sick and then you get cured, you know? It’s not like that.
‘And actually, I think that traps people because you get frustrated with yourself, “why am I not getting better, what is wrong with me?”
‘And you know what? There’s nothing wrong with you. But there is something that’s not firing right, and that’s not easy’.
Gaga insisted she isn’t looking for pity and just wants to tell her story to help others.
She said: ‘I don’t tell this story for my own self-service, because, to be honest, it’s hard to tell. I feel a lot of shame about it. How do I explain to people that I have privilege, I’ve got money, I’ve got power, and I’m miserable? How do you do that?
‘I’m not here to tell my story to you because I want anybody to cry for me. I’m good. But open your heart up for somebody else. Because I’m telling you, I’ve been through it and people need help. So, that’s part of my healing, being able to talk to you.’
Harrowing: She said: ‘Even if I have six brilliant months, all it takes is getting triggered once to feel bad Think about dying. Wondering if I’m ever going to do it’
Gaga has formed a close bond with Oprah and the singer spoke about her mental health in an interview last year for the television personality’s 2020 Vision: Your Life In Focus tour.
The songstress said as well as being diagnosed with PTSD, she received a diagnosis of fibromyalgia – a condition that causes widespread pain and extreme tiredness.
She said: ‘I was raped repeatedly when I was 19 years old, and I also developed PTSD as a result of being raped and also not processing that trauma.
Speaking out: Gaga has formed a close bond with Oprah and the singer spoke about her mental health in an interview last year for Oprah’s 2020 Vision: Your Life In Focus (pictured)
‘I did not have anyone help me, I did not have a therapist, I did not have a psychiatrist, I did not have a doctor help me through it’, she said.
‘I all of a sudden became a star and was traveling the world going from hotel room to garage to limo to stage, and I never dealt with it, and then all of a sudden I started to experience this incredible intense pain throughout my entire body that mimicked the illness I felt after I was raped.’
Gaga said how, after seeking help, she has found that medication has helped her.
Brave: She said: ‘I was raped repeatedly when I was 19 years old, and I also developed PTSD as a result of being raped and also not processing that trauma’
She told Oprah: ‘Medication has helped me tremendously. I take an anti-psychotic. [If I didn’t take it] I would spiral very frequently and I would spasm in my sleep.’
The New York City native previously opened up about her experience in an interview with Howard Stern in 2014, saying that it inspired her song Swing.
She said: ‘I went through some horrific things that I’m able to laugh [at] now, because I’ve gone through a lot of mental and physical therapy and emotional therapy to heal over the years.
‘My music’s been wonderful for me. But, you know, I was a shell of my former self at one point. I was not myself.
‘To be fair, I was about 19. I went to Catholic school and then all this crazy stuff happened, and I was going, “Oh, is this just the way adults are?”…I was very naive.’
Using her voice: Gaga insisted she isn’t looking for pity and just wants to tell her story to help others
