Kim Kardashian might always be wistful about the relationship she once had with Kanye West. 

In a preview for next week’s episode of The Kardashians, the 42-year-old reality star finalized her divorce from the rapper and admitted she had gone through the process of grieving the person her ex-husband used to be before he became regularly engulfed in controversy. 

The next scene featured the SKIMS founder shifting through musical equipment that seemingly belonged to Kanye, 46, in a storage warehouse. 

“This is me holding onto the Kanye that I know,” she confessed. “But when you know it can never get back there — that’s what sucks and that’s what’s hard.”

In last week’s, the mom of four broke down in front of her sister Khloé Kardashian over Kanye’s outbursts. 

“It sucks when someone doesn’t see how different they are,” she explained in a confessional. “I always will [keep looking for that person.] You’ll always hope you’ll see a glimpse of them, and I hope I do.”

Kim continued, “It’s really confusing for me, it’s so different from the person that I married. That’s who I loved and that’s who I remember. I’ll do anything to get that person back.”

“I feel so bad for him,” she continued. “I don’t even think he feels bad for himself because I don’t even think he knows how,” she said, revealing that she hasn’t spoken to Kanye about his antisemitic online rants over fears “he’ll probably go off on me.”

Back in March 2022, Kim and Kanye divorced after six years of marriage. The former couple began dating in 2011 and welcomed their first daughter North, 10, in June 2013. They eventually went on to tie the knot in 2014 and had three more children: Saint, 7, Chicago, 5, and Psalm, 4.

Despite their complicated relationship, Kim revealed that she considers herself her ex’s “biggest cheerleader” in front of their children. 

“You could be so hurt or angry at your ex, but I think in front of the kids, it always has to be ‘Your dad’s the best,'” she told Vogue in February 2022. “Make sure you are your co-parent’s biggest cheerleader, no matter what you’re personally going through.”

Of course, that commitment has come with a price, as she said earlier in the season: “All of his shenanigans [are] gonna be far more damaging to the kids one day than my tape will ever be and I have to sit here and not say anything, ever, because I know one day my kids will appreciate that. And I know that is the best thing for them.”

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New episodes of The Kardashians drop Thursdays at 12 a.m. ET/9 p.m. PT on Hulu.